“What am I here for, and what is it that I’m seeking?”, is a question that often knocks at my door every now & then. Though I don’t have the answer, I know I’m blessed because I was born to “my parents” and that’s how I have this life. And that’s also how I am “enabled” to think & do things I do. Spirituality though a broad term, is a consequence of my parent’s upbringing and the journey so far has healed the wounds I never knew existed. Thank you mummy & pappa, for letting me reap the benefits of your hard work, and taking us along in your journeys of awakening and consciousness.
So, early Jan 2025 my mom desperately wanted to go to Mahakumbh, and as a supporter, I knew I’d help make the plan & arrange logistics. But she insisted I accompany her. I still kept planning for her “solo” trip. The logistics seemed difficult to arrange - flights were super expensive, train tickets unavailable & stay options insanely overpriced and far from ghats. Confused, I called a close friend of mine, Anurag, who happens to be from Prayagraj & was there for the Mahakumbh. “You just plan the dates & book the flights, everything else I will take care of.” It sounded weirdly easy. “Also, I think you should come too. It’s a one of a kind experience”. I mean I really wanted to go, but work & other commitments kept pulling me back until one day I decided I will go & booked the tickets. By this time, Ekta, my mentor, asked me if I wanted to join her as she was planning for the same. I told her that mom & I were already planning. She decided she’ll join us!
Just a week prior to leaving, I fell sick. Terribly sick. I got severe food poisoning - had to get IV at the hospital. Another friend, Aayush, helped me go to the hospital to get better. At this point, it was just 4 days to my planned dates & I couldn’t walk or consume food orally. “It’s only sane to not go to the world’s largest human gathering when you’re very sick”, I thought. But the very next day, as I was getting better with medicines, I realized that maybe this was a sign that I need energy - the kind that I’ll definitely receive at Triveni Sangam. How could I miss that? After all, I was getting better. Yes, there was a calling, and I tried to lend a deaf ear, with my constant back & forths “should I or should I not go”, until I couldn’t. Life is only a few fleeting moments, why miss even one? So here it begins!
The journey to Prayagraj was different & yes, physically difficult. But the moment I reached Prayagraj, what happened? It started feeling unreal. The crowds, the people, the enthusiasm, the sangam, the sadhus, the arrangements of the mega event, the energy in the air - something that I’d never seen or felt before. Magical.
Part 1 - Prayagraj & sangam dips
Anurag’s father had arranged the stay for us at the tents in the most comfortable & convenient way possible. We had to worry about nothing really. The ghat we were closest to, was Someshwar Mahadev Ghat, a couple of kms downstream the actual sangam. Water, cleanliness, crowds & clothes changing logistics - very well managed. Mom was determined to take 3 dips at least (on 3 different days).
On our first day’s dips, it was just a couple of mins past sunset and the water was freezing cold. I’m particularly sensitive to all things cold, let alone freezing cold water. The first dip was a shock - cold piercing through my skin & body, making me breathe like I was in the water for several minutes. But the second? The second was different. The body surrendered, and instead of discomfort, I felt a warmth from within, as though the water carried an energy beyond the physical. By the third dip, I no longer seemed to care about the cold. After the dips, as I came out, I had started shivering but I was also warm? There was an inexplicable lightness - like a burden I didn’t know I was carrying had been lifted.
Ekta, Anurag, mom & I after our first dips.
Changed into warm clothes we headed to the Someshwar Mahadev Temple. Everything after the dips just felt blissful & surreal. That night we also went to see the “akhadas” in search of the “sadhus” who were staying there. Sadly, most had left. But still, there were a few sadhus. It was beautiful seeing how calm they were sitting by a fire, in solitude, amongst these crowds. On one particular instance, while we were visiting one sadhu at his tent, we bowed with namaskar and stayed there till he caught our attention, and gave us each a rudraksh mala. Material achievement, was it? I don’t know, but we were happy.
Across the entire mahakumbh region, there were multiple tents of sadhus and people who’d come from all parts of the country. There were bhajans, bhakti geets, music, chanting everywhere. It really felt like a celebration of life & beyond.
The second day was an adventurous one. We started the day by taking dips in the water, this time, straight under the Sun. Felt much better I thought. And we headed to the “Shivalay Park” which was a ~5km walk from the ghat. We walked past Arail ghat and along with thousands of people, headed “somewhere”. The shivalay park had miniatures of the 12 jyotirlinga temples & a few artistic other creations.
Later that evening, we took a boat ride from Arail Ghat to the “OG” Triveni Sangam, the exact place where the 3 rivers meet - Ganga, Yamuna and the invisible Saraswati - for a small puja that mom wanted to do. At the sangam, the water level was just above the ankle at most places.Yet, shraddha was deep. Deeper than anything visible to the eye, and you could feel it. As we were on our way back, it had started getting cold, we were in water & the sun had started setting. The most beautiful setting one can ever be a part of.
Day 3 - our final day in Prayagraj.
What I saw in these 3 days wasn’t leaving my mind - the faith (आस्था, श्रद्धा, माया) in every being’s heart & eyes was unshakeable. Everywhere I saw, I saw devotion manifesting in different ways, through different beings. People from all walks of life, of all ages, infants & old people alike, from different parts of the country, speaking different languages, all united in devotion, going “somewhere”. We were fortunate to have vehicles drive us places, but most people there were walking with their bags on their heads. A sense of gratitude filled me but I knew that none of them were sad for walking those long distances, everyone had gratitude in their eyes and hearts to be able to be there at Mahakumbh. Nobody complained about walking tens of kilometres, about the cold water, about the harsh weather or even about the sheer strength of crowds. Perhaps, in these moments, I realized, faith is never about proof or logic, it’s about surrendering yourself. About going beyond thinking of yourself as the body that’s enduring the pain, about the bliss the self is feeling. About allowing yourself to be a part of something greater than yourself. About believing, even when there’s no reason to. And though I had understood this long ago, it was absolutely magical to witness that feeling so closely, to feel it in the air around me and to see it reflected in the eyes of millions around me.
The last Morning, as we walked to the ghats, the Sun was barely rising, the air still crisp. The last cold plunges, were surreal and did not “feel” cold at all. While I was taking the dips, the Sun started rising right in front of me, as if saying “you timed it right! you are exactly where you need to be”. The whole experience gave me what I was seeking, I felt. As I stepped out of the water for the last time, dripping and trembling but oddly at peace, I turned to look at my mother. Her face glowed in the morning light, contentment radiating from her like warmth in the cold air.
I felt a deep sense of gratitude. For my mother’s insistence. For my father, who enabled us. For our Guruji’s guidance on this path. For Anurag’s & his father’s arrangements & care during this journey. For the people who accompanied us on this journey. For the sheer serendipity of it all.
Part 2 - Varanasi
Next, we headed to Varanasi, via Vindhyachal. We got a quick darshan at Vindhyavasini Devi temple & were on our way to Varanasi. The 120 km long road from Prayagraj to Varanasi, was taking us more than 9 hours to reach our destination given the traffic headed towards Varanasi (or, Kashi) another place of spiritual significance, for many. We reached at 9PM and only had 8 hours before our next train. Varanasi hit me different, it wasn’t anything close to what I was expecting. I was taken aback by the subtle yet natural arrogance of people and how dirty and ill-maintained the entire city’s streets, roads and alleyways were. We walked through the narrow, confusing, dimly lit alleys. The air was thick with mild incense, stale flowers, distant aroma of food and lots of smoke (not the vehicular smoke). The old buildings, with 19th century windows, the broken streets all in the middle of the night - it was all a little overwhelming for me. Despite the crowd, Prayagraj was so peaceful, I thought to myself. Why does it feel different in Banaras? Turns out, I wasn’t yet ready for Kashi, or Varanasi, or Banaras yet - chaotic and unapologetic, demanding that I face it, the city was brutally real. Weirdly, mom didn’t feel overwhelmed like me, she was actually enjoying the energy in Kashi.
Fortunately, we were able to get darshan at the Kashi Vishwanath temple around 1 AM. The temple, standing tall amidst the chaos exuded magical stillness. 1 AM darshan on a Monday? I felt immensely grateful. Next we headed to the nearest ghat - Dashashwamedh ghat for bramh-muhurt prayers to Mother Ganga.
Me around 3:30 AM, at Dashashwamedh Ghat. No dips here. Just thanking mother Ganga.
Mom was lighting a diya to offer our prayers. I stepped closer to the water, my fingers just grazing the surface. Even though Varanasi is just a few hundred kms downstream of Prayagraj, & technically the same water flows here, it felt different from the Sangam, much warmer even at 3 AM, heavier, as if carrying the weight of countless stories, of life and death. I didn’t feel the calm I had felt at Prayagraj, but I felt something else - a confrontation. Immaturely, just a few moments ago, I’d thought “अब तो मैं वाराणसी तभी आऊंगी जब महादेव बुलाएंगे”. But little did I know that Kashi wasn’t going to offer me answers wrapped in serenity. It was going to demand that I face the reality first & let go of the humanly notions of “peace” and “cleanliness”. What we perceive is a function of our perspectives, so what could be dirtier or scarier than one’s own unexamined thoughts, fears and illusions, I later thought. Afterall, Shiva isn’t just the meditative yogi; he is also the fierce destroyer - the one who breaks illusions, & burns everything false. Whether or not I was ready to embrace what lay in front of my eyes, I knew the process of breaking attachments to comfort, order, and expectations had started. And the uneasiness was a result of that step forward. One doesn’t choose Kashi - Kashi chooses them. And when the time is right, Mahadev will call again.
As we made our way back to the railway station in the dead of night, I knew my journey with Varanasi wasn’t over. Not yet. I wasn’t ready for it this time, but one day, I would be. Maybe my brother will join us too. And when that day comes, Kashi would still be here - unchanged, unapologetic, waiting for me to face it, embrace it and I will receive with open arms what it has to offer.
Today, as I sit back and reflect on this journey, on Mahashivratri, I’m wrapped in the echoes of everything I experienced - the faith, tranquility, & energy at Prayagraj and the intensity of Varanasi. I realize now that every place has its own rhythm, its own way of calling, its own lessons to teach, and it is me who has to be receptive. Long way to go :)