I will soon finish my engineering, so I decided to do a before vs after check. I opened my Engineering Diary in which I’ve documented my Ambitions & Delusions, starting 2020. Flipping the pages, I realized that I’ve surpassed my the then targets and overcome my the then fears. Of course I was happy, and proud of myself. But was it easy to reach here? Not really.
Back in 2020, when the raging pandemic had locked the world down, I decided to make the best use of the free time to think what I really wanted to do. Since I’ve always been someone between an introvert and an ambivert, the isolation was more of a boon than not. But I was naïve, lost and completely directionless. And to make things worse, I was heavily anxious & nervous about making it out on my own. I didn’t know shit. I couldn’t gather enough courage to talk to people. Confused, I sat down and did what I liked best - write. I decided to build myself up.
July 5, 2020.
I picked a fresh new diary, and started writing down my ambitions & delusions. Before this, I had never written my "goals/aims/ambitions" on any piece of paper because I was always afraid that people would find it somewhere, read and laugh at me.
I was too ashamed & embarrassed to put myself out there.
I feared people.
But to get ahead, I knew I had to surpass these fears. So I wrote them down in my diary, and decided to revisit the page at the end of each week to assess my progress. Slowly & steadily as I started narrowing down what I wanted to do, and started doing the things that I was afraid/embarrassed of, I realized it was only my judgement that really mattered to me. People, their words, their actions didn’t really matter. That’s how I started treading on the path of being shameless & fearless. Because once the picture of your destination is clear in your mind, no obstacles can stop you from reaching there. Once your goals are crystal clear in your mind, you forget everything else.
Dec 10, 2020
In almost 4 months, I overcame most of the fears on my target list. I participated in various online Machine Learning challenges, without caring/worrying of how bad I’ll fare or what people would think of me. And won 2 of those hackathons! The first hackathon I won helped me get an Internship at a company, in the domain that I loved!
So long story short:
After I set my focus straight, and decided to overcome my fears, I was here:
- I had secured an internship.
- I was interacting & working with a bunch of people on something I loved - Data Science.
- I had started developing a sense of self. I knew what I liked doing. And I didn’t fear what anyone thought/said about me!!
Jun 3, 2022.
Writing down my goals helped me connect with my higher energies, set my focus straight, and achieve them. It helped me acknowledge my fears, know their potential to stop me, and work on overcoming them.I don’t fear people anymore. Because now I know myself better.
I don’t fear shame or judgement anymore. External judgement doesn’t matter unless it really does.
I don’t fear being laughed at anymore. I laugh at myself too, I wouldn’t mind if you join me.
I don’t fear being called “incompetent” or “worthless” anymore. I’m ready to work harder and smarter, and I know that I’m better than I was yesterday.
What made the difference? Clarity of purpose.
How did I reach that clarity? By writing down my Ambitions & Delusions.
How did writing it all down help? It helped me understand myself. It helped me dream bigger, aim higher and acknowledge my fears. For me, writing is an act of being true to myself and it helped me manifest my goals.
So write everything. Let the nib of your pen break with the force of your passion. Let yourself free, stop putting barricades on the path of realizing your ambitions and discarding your delusions.