Dear Pappa,
Today is a dark day - Om, mummy & I absolutely hate this date. And why shouldn’t we? This date brings back horrendous memories of the 15 fast minutes that sprinted in front of our eyes, taking you away from us - forever. Of course it’s not just the 29th of January every year that feels this way, it’s almost every single day that brings along a poignant reminder of your absence. Every single day without you has been a battle with the reality. But today, I’m not gonna rewind all those painful days & nights - I have already had enough of them. I’m writing to reflect on what all has changed since you left us & reflect on how the change is shaping us & how you prepared us for it, without giving us even the slightest of a hint.
Living without you feels like living without a protective shell. The world seems harsher, and it feels like there is no one who can provide the same level of shelter and care. Remember my birthday in 2019? I travelled back home from college, we had the best time, mom baked a cake & you surprised me with a dutch truffle cake like every year. I haven’t had the same cake on my birthday since. I have had other cakes - so many people care for me & love me, but you get what’s missing.
It’s actually not just about care - I cannot describe it. And I often find myself having to fill that role for myself, to be both the protector and the protected. It’s a challenging task, filled with moments of self-doubt and struggle. But on the way, I learnt resilience, about my strengths, weaknesses & my capabilities.
Here’s what has changed in 3 years -
I completed my BTech. I know you’d find it funny. I vividly remember you saying “I won’t count you an engineer if you pass like that sitting in front of your laptop.” In the beginning of my 4th year, after much struggle, I got an internship at a startup where I got a fabulous mentor & soon got converted into full-time. That’s my first job - I work on & in data, and I love it. I moved to Bangalore & I’m staying alone. As you guessed it, I’m liking solitude.
All the things that you forcefully taught me, have become my core habits & first nature. Remember how I hated meditating or doing yoga? Today I love doing yoga & I’m learning new things every day. I’m a little more calm than I used to be. I travel places especially to learn yoga. I know you won’t believe me. I was such a reckless & rebellious teenager. I just needed more time, I guess.
Om started his BTech & is doing good. He loves vehicles, engines & wires - and I think he feels your absence more deeply than everyone else. Despite my efforts to provide whatever support I can, I’m often gripped by the worry that I’m falling short. He stays at hostel & often comes back home. Mummy & Om have a much better bond now than they used to before.
Mummy has changed too, except, in the ways you wouldn’t have wanted her to. She’s become physically weaker. Her osteoporoses accelerated & she finds it difficult to do strenuous activities. But we’re supporting her in every possible way that we can & she’s determined to get stronger.
It’s a strange & cruel paradox that my brain still struggles to accept your passing. I still get dreams where the 4 of us are together having a good time. Only to wake up in the Morning & realize that you’re no more around. It’s weird but it doesn’t bother me much.
Everything you ever said, or did is just making so much sense as I’m growing. You taught us core survival skills when we were so young & I used to hate it all. These helped us stay afloat after you left us.
I never really tried to understand why people are a certain way. Only recently as I met many of my friends’ parents, I realized each of my friends is so much like their parents. And so am I. As much as I’d hate to accept back then, I’m grateful to be like you. I’m grateful to not let worldly pleasures sweep me off my feet. I’m grateful to be the way I am, even if that means “to be boring” to people my age. I’m grateful to know that I’m little.
It feels like an eternity has passed navigating through life, without you. But it also feels like yesterday when you asked me “How do you measure pressure in fluids?” and I replied “I don’t remember & I don’t care”. I wasn’t just oblivious or careless, I was insensible & impertinent too. I’m thankful I am not 1% like that anymore. I feel like I’ve grown 10 years in 3 cycles around the Sun. Is that even possible? I bet you’d like me better now than my 20 year old self that you dealt with, daily. But you aren’t around anymore to see the paradigm shift. Is that why people say that regret is stronger than gratitude?
I like to think that you live in our actions & in our decisions - guiding us from somewhere far. Thank you for making us who we are today, and thank you for giving us this life. I don’t know if regret is stronger than gratitude because even 3 years ago I was immensely grateful to the universe for making me your daughter - I just couldn’t say it out loud. Today as I’m older, I can. We miss you deeply, Papa, each and every day.