Whenever I write here, there is usually an anchor. I often reflect on certain events and the internal shift I see in myself post that. There is almost always hope running quietly beneath whenever I reflect. But this one’s different. It is as destabilised and unsteady as it could get. More unanchored than anchored, or maybe anchored, if you think so. Here’s to 2025.
The year I questioned everything.
How do I begin to summarise a year that turned out nothing like I planned, or prayed for?
I had imagined a beautiful 2025. I prepared for it. Structured it. Convinced myself I could build it into existence. Worked fucking hard for it.
But what I got - or perhaps created myself - was not it. A year of emotional turmoil, conflict and collapse. Of becoming and unbecoming. Of bitter sweetness and prayers that met silence (or at least felt so).
Until now, the central theme of my life had been “me” - my self-trust, my certainty, my direction, my confidence in myself. In 2025, it felt like that certainty cracked and confidence vanished. I was often confused and I questioned what I wanted.
Is what I want really what I need?
Is that even me?
Do I know what I want to do, or be in life? Is it right for me?
What are these fleeting ambitions and delusions?
One moment I’m pumped up about an idea the second moment I am disappointed in my results, why?
The life I’ve been working toward is it for me or for the world? for myself or the camera?
Or is it all just भ्रम?
I never thought I’d face this confusion. Every decision felt like a “this or that” with a gun pointed at my forehead, no negotiations.
And when I tried to negotiate, I felt like I was questioning my own grit and conviction in my decisions. In the times I questioned myself, everything seemed to shatter with it.
Things didn’t go as per the plan and I changed. I changed, really.
I jumped ships.
I changed teams and vibes.
I swam in the sea.
I cried in office washrooms.
I had terrible food poisoning and needed immediate care.
I questioned my mother’s support - and then my own existence
I failed at things I had worked very hard for.
I had a hundred foot-in-the-mouth moments.
I broke ties when someone didn’t show up.
I walked straight into a life conflict I had always thought I’d avoid.
I altered my future.
I fell on my face chasing things I thought were right.
I broke the one thing I relied on - my trust in my own decisions.
I saw the universe conspire against something deeply important to me.
I saw myself be a coward, day in day out.
I fell from my chair in the office. Literally.
I went on my first real solo trip. Unplanned.
I went on my first solo trip abroad, also almost unplanned.
I stayed in hostels with strangers.
I travelled to a town and fell in love with it.
I saw people crumble in front of me and realised I’m not the only one.
I worked very hard and didn’t get a raise, let alone the promotion I was chasing.
I ran back home for a month, crying like a little kid.
I experienced my mother’s unconditional love for me, and felt reassured.
I watched my brother’s trust slowly build in me.
I swam with fishes in a teal-blue sea.
I made new friends.
I failed. Tried. Failed again. Tried again. Failed, miserably.
I lost hope in myself.
I did not hit a single milestone I had planned - except, naturally, turning 25.
I met a German guy in Bangkok who told me to embrace the chaos.
I cried a lot, the entire year.
I lost confidence.
I gained it back.
I then decided to really embrace the chaos :)
All in all - a miserable, terrible, unfathomable, emotional year. Yes, we make mistakes, we cry, we learn. But you know what, misery, grief and sorrow are not lost on me, and won’t be. So with whatever I faced this year I am more than grateful for every single thing. There was growth I didn’t ask for or knew was possible. There was beauty in the skies that kept me going. There were channels of love and care I didn’t know existed. There were people that pushed me forward when I was at my weakest. There was resilience I didn’t know I had.
To be honest I don’t know if I’m stronger.
I only know I am not the same person who walked into 2025.
And who knows, maybe this is what 2025 was meant to be.
Not arrival. Not achievement.
Just plain disruption and chaos.